aprilgellatly.com

there is far more going on right now than i can handle.  i knew it would be like this when i got home from AZ.  i put off lists of things until after ironman…including, but not limited to, car maintance, goodwill runs (in an attempt to streamline the amount of crap i own), living situations, general life decision making of any sort, racing season for 09, etc.  my current issue is that i feel no more equipped to handle any of these decisions now than i did before i left for AZ.  i would prefer to continue to put them off.  life is happening around me…

today, i am awesome though.  i turn 26.  today, i get to be sparkles and a crown and pink!  i am really great at today.  i excel in social situations… 

i would not have made it to today without the amazing group of people i have around me.  i feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  i have the worlds best friends, hands down, no questions asked.  i almost feel bad that we are having a birthday lunch for me.  i think it needs to be a thank you lunch for my friends who have bent over backwards to help me.  i promised i wouldn’t be late for the 1 o’clock lunch though so i need to run for now, but thank you all, i love you (i know, i know, i love everyone, but no seriously, i mean it.  i love you all.).

well i can breathe now. wish i could say the same during the race…

what a painful little, heartbreaking sunday afternoon stroll.

it has been such a great trip though, so, so good. it just wasn’t a good race, not the day i hoped for, not the day i trained for…

the swim was an ironman pr…57 minutes, not bad. i tried to push hard on the bike. i wanted to keep my placing. 5:25 is another ironman pr. (though it isn’t good enough. i’ll need to work harder or work smarter, but either way, i need to do more.) i got off the bike and i knew i was hot and tired, but i had used the last 10 miles on the bike to wrap my head around the marathon.
i went through t2, no problems, and started off at a normal pace. i made it about 3 minutes, and was hyperventilating. i couldn’t get oxygen in. i was gasping for air. i walked for a while focused on breathing…in and out…it took me a while to give up all hope. the first 3 miles, i really thought that i may come around. i’d start to jog again every couple minutes, real slow, just trying to control oxygen in take. without fail, i ended in the same gasping, oxygen-less state. the miles went by so slowly. i couldn’t really think too much about what was going on either. i knew it was bad, but if i started to cry then it was the same sensation as running, no oxygen. i was chocking, coughing pretty badly. i told myself if i puked or spit blood then i got to quit, if i passed out, i got to quit…i really didn’t want to keep going. i didn’t train so hard to walk a marathon. i had no idea how i was going to make it through either. i was so mad at everything. tom and sister walked with me towards the end of the first lap for about a mile. tom gave me a pep talk…something about not quitting and he was proud regardless. sister held my hand, told me to walk with arms raised…

(see link: http://www.pbase.com/scorpius/image/106293373 ) we made jokes. our mile helped. i knew i’d make it through the stupid marathon even if i had to walk the whole damn time. i would try to run at least a little bit of each mile. i didn’t quit trying to jog until about mile 10 when my head started pounding so freaking bad. i want to thank everyone for their encouragement along the way. i couldn’t really respond at that time, but it did help to hear that i was the best dressed on the course, or that i looked pretty in pink, the many splish, splashes along the way… i felt so bad, not running, unable to really communicate my thank you’s without coughing. it felt a little bit like a walk of shame…just minus the morning after hair and heels. i made friends along the way. Kirk was gonna quit. he didn’t want his family to have to wait on him while he walked the last 18 miles of the marathon. i told him i had to walk the rest of the way, and that he really should keep going. he did and we walked together for the next hour plus. he got me thinking about pace. he made me speed up my walking. we set a goal of walking 20 minute miles…god phrases i never thought i’d have to say. i had a goal of 20 minute miles… Kirk ran into his family at the end of the second lap and i walked on giving him time to spend with them, thinking he’d catch me. i hope he finished the day. i walked till the end of the 2nd lap and decided it had cooled off enough that i should try to jog again. i’d run as long as i could each mile. i’d start jogging again mostly when people prompted, ‘come on, april, come join us.’ i finished the last mile and a half with kevin. it was the best i had run all day. at one point, i passed by a little boy and he saw my low number and he totally called me out. he questioned, ‘you must have done this pretty well before…’ ‘yeah,’ i told him, ‘but this time i got a glow stick.’ i had never been on an ironman race course after dark. it was quite humbling to walk my 7 hour marathon.

hey, but i am an ironman. mike o’reily told me so, they gave me my medal, and i have the t-shirt to prove it. thank you to all for your love and support. it was a tough, tough day in a much different way than i expected. it’s hard to see everything you worked so hard for crumble right before you. i am excited for Placid and July though. ready to get home and start training again… i am 90% positive i lose my pro card due to my lack of racing in 08 and my beyond sub-par performance on 11.23. i’ll get it back at Placid though and try over again…no worries…just maybe not trying on this race course, the air might be a little dry for me, we will see what the doctor says.

we did the swimming, bike, running, and hanging from trees this morning. we got starbucks in between working out and hanging from the trees. the support staff needed sometime to monkey around.

on the walk back towards the car, i told tom, sometimes i think i take too much meaning away from things that occur in life, that may or may not have any real barring or weight. it was just something some homeless guy said. i think at times, it’ll make things too dramatic, but sometimes it makes so much sense and you have to question why that is what this homeless guy said to you at that particular time in your life.

there was a line at starbucks and out of no where homeless guy starts…’i hate to wait. time is precious. the good lord decides when you live for how long. he decides. even when it is suicide. even when someone takes their own life, he decides they were in too much pain.’

we ignored it in the moment, but i addressed it on the walk to the car. i teared up under my sunglasses a little. it is still painful to think about, but i felt it. i accepted the pain and the hurt and i acknowledged the significance in that insignificant exchange. the difference in perspective on this one life changing event has created the “change.” the difference that i dreamed about 9 long weeks ago has made this all possible. i woke up and knew i had to do more. i had to give more because i was capable. i am not running away tomorrow. tomorrow is a good thing. the good is in the difference.

or well the preparing of my race day bags. i was “helping” tom get my things ready to start the packing up process. i was putting things in bags that didn’t yet have numbers…and while it was my race morning bag that will ultimately be handed back to him. it apparently DOES need a number. so the things promptly got dumped out of the bag back onto the floor and placed into their proper spots. i guess all the things do have proper spots. i then crinkled my race number. it wasn’t time for that yet. so tom yelled at me for the first time today.

as a total sidenote, i ruined tom’s 404Z wheel today. he didn’t yell. he didn’t scowl at me. he scowled more about transition bags than the wheel. i knew the wheel hurt. he loves that wheel. we’ve decided we’ll bury part of it. it was a tough loss.

i felt awful most of the day about the wheel. i was riding to the race site and i had a couple choices in the brief tire ruining moment, 1/2 of a curb, traffic, or totally risky side dip, dive move. i chose the 1/2 curb and hoped for the best. the half curb got the best of me or well at least the wheel. i kind of shut down the rest of the day. no more calls or emails because i didn’t want to have to talk about it. all is better though, i have a borrowed 404 for race day, but the great voice mail back up of 2008 has began.

thank god for friends like tom..and for my little sister. (sister cleaned all the floors while i was out at the pro meeting and folded my laundry and wiped down the counter tops, among various other house chores.) i love these guys. we are waiting on pat and madi to get here. it is christmas tonight. they just don’t know yet.
merry christmas, ya’ll.

this whole 50 pound thing is becoming an increasingly large problem. either i need to learn to pack lighter or the airlines really need to rethink weight restrictions. this is killing me. i guess i could pack a smaller bag. it just isn’t fair for ironman though. there is all the stuff for racing and all the stuff for normal everyday life and our little family reunion isn’t helping any either. (ange and i went shopping for madison before she dropped me off here. oh god, we did SO good. it was so much fun!) i know there are a number of “solutions” for my “problem,” but yeah…

i am using part of tuesday to ship a box back home. throw all the nasty, heavy shit into a box, drop it at UPS, and get it on the other side, avoid all my social anxiety involved in overstuffed luggage. the side of my expandable bag says “so much pink stuff, i need a bigger bag.” i emptied 7 pounds of clothes into the lovely “expandable purse” while standing by the scale with the delta employee scowling at me. “my bad,” i am the worst light packer i know.

hey, so i am on my way to do an ironman. okay, pretty pumped. i am feeling pretty good about this, and as anne can attest to, oh god, i am rested! anne and i spent hours laying around the last couple days! i am pretty sure we have watched every trashy tv show and movie this last week. anne just finished kicking cancer’s ass. my support role also involved hours of laying around which fit in well with this whole stupid taper thing. i’ll miss home i hope everything flows okay without me. i at least feel important and busy when i am there.

okay getting on an airplane i get to meet my niece

ange kaye (sister): ape got new sweats. i think it’s her new look.

marcus (roommate): good for her.

ange kaye: yeah. she looks good in sweats.

aim, thanks for the new look. i look good in pink sweats.

i leave for az tomorrow. wahoo.

my sister looks at her wrist like she has a watch on but she never wears a watch. its pretty funny.

obviously, i am scattered and unfocused. i think that is okay though. i know what i have to do, no need to dwell.

oh the good times.  it is quite literally freezing outside and i need to go ride my bike.  i am delaying the inevitable.  so one week from today, i will be playing with the big girls in AZ.

i hate taper and i hate resting.  i have been, but i hate them both.  i just feel like i am getting fat.  i guess, this is recovery.  recovery is stupid.

i have to trust in all the work i just did and all the work coming into this.  while i may have only been focused for 10 weeks, i have been training since the age of 8.  i think, it was all leading up to this, i just have to remember what it all was, all leading up to this time period of my life, not necessarily this one day.  that’s far too much pressure on one day.

i started packing which was fairly easy because it simply involved taking things out of one bag and putting them into the larger suitcase.  one of the many perks of transitional living, things are always ready to go, that and my new travel toothpaste rocks.

it is almost here.

i just got asked running advice dealing with overcoming anxiety.

part of my response was to tell the story of the first time i swam across lake peachtree. it was really early in the morning, still dark, 5:30am-ish, i think. i met Lisa and Kim to swim. i was a bit stronger swimmer than both the other ladies, but i was SCARED. it was dark and i was getting in a lake. it was weird and different. i wanted my black line, lights, lane ropes, pace clock, all the normal comforts offered at the pool. they started a second before me, and i quickly swam after, not wanting to be left alone. i took about 10 strokes before i flipped out, major panic. in the end, i swam most of the way across heads up breaststroke right beside Lisa. the panic, the anxiety was all in my head. it didn’t exist. there was no reason i couldn’t swim freestyle across that lake even if i was alone in the dark. i was a collegiate swimmer for christ sake.

moral of the story, it is all in my head. it doesn’t really exist. i have a job to do, and part of that job is keeping things as stable as possible so that i can preform at my best 11.23. this is not the time for panic, fear, or anxiety. i am just swimming across a lake…

(as a side, my father and i used to use ’swimming across a lake’ as a metaphor in dealing with many of lifes challenges. he was frustrated and bored with work at one point in time and used swimming half way across the lake, but never actually accomplishing a task or reaching a goal as a way to translate for me.)

this time next week, i will be headed to the airport to AZ.  okay.  stay calm.  do not panic.

my website went down and i lost a couple blogs, but maybe they are better lost.

the wheel is in motion and things are moving forward.  this is all good.  i need to stay calm.  (second time i have reminded myself to stay calm in the last 10 minutes…hmmmmm.)  i think i am exactly where i need to be right now.  the relationship that never was needed to be over.  i need to be here for my friend and her family.  this environment is just safe enough that i can step forward.  let the fear fall the the waste side.  “for god has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind.”  chant it, if you have to.

6 weeks in and i think i have gottan about as much out of my legs as i am going to get pre-ironman.

my run just felt flat and long this morning.  my legs are mad at me.  i would expect as much.  i had two 7 hour training days in a row.  so to get up and run 22 miles the next morning (before sunrise) may have been a bit much to ask.

with all that said though, i decided on the run this morning, it was time to drop the volume and raise the intensity.  i have one more hard-ass saturday workout remaining that will consume the entire day, but in general, the long stuff is behind me.  my body knows to expect long days now.  it just needs to know to move quickly now.  some of the stress needs to be removed.

not much else to report.  i am just an athlete.  i workout. ummmm,  i run.