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2009.

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January 8th, 2009adminuncategorized

happy new year.

the holidays are over…finally…now with the resolutions, weightloss, and new routine. i am still working hard to establish this greatly desired routine. i am so tired of things being messy and all over the place…

oh, here we go ago…i’ll write more frequently now. i think i have successfully pulled my head out of my ass.

here’s to 2009…

unemployed and homeless.

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December 15th, 2008adminuncategorized

all of my worst college fears realized (i sincerely used to walk around georgia state campus convinced that i could be one of the many homeless hanging out downtown. god, i am irrational.), however, things are slightly more stable than i ever would have imagined.

i think i have to explain all this away. it’s all crazy, but it all makes sense in it’s own right.

the unemployed part will come as a surprise to most. i’ve told a total of about five people. it’s just not the holiday news i love running around advertising. tour de georgia was cancelled for 2009. one of the major reasons i was hired was for georgia. my job went good-bye with the race. i really am okay with it all. i’ve had the conversation mutlipe times now about how i can’t travel as much as i did this past year and still be a professional triathlete. i’ve been told things needed to slow down. i’ve been told flat out, that this job and professional triathlete-ism do not go together. it’ll all work out in the wash. in the meantime, i am trying to decide exactly which way is the best to step. i think for now, staying homeless, unemployed, and in GA is my best bet. i could move somewhere, get a real job, but i fear the loss of focus that comes along with all that… if i sincerely want to be a professional triathlete why not try to make that work for at least a minute? i realize it doesn’t seem like the most rational plan, but i know what i am working towards. i know where i see myself, and i think i am capable of good things. beyond that, this whole professional triathlete route is by no means the safest, “sure i am living the dream of sorts,” but this is scary as shit! no retirement plan (like anyone has a retirement plan anymore??!), no health, dental, vision insurance, all the great perks of any pretty little desk job, this life is void of any real stablitiy. stablity comes in the forms of tempo runs, track sessions, and tough bike rides which my head actually handles the stablity that comes along with the workouts better than the paycheck any day. i have little work plans that can hopefully keep me afloat until july, maybe longer, if i learn to stay away from the mall…

i have to imagine my fathers reaction to all this… i am really not sure what he would think. i could see him leaning either way. i could see him telling me i need to be practical, that i need to grow up, get a real job, take my career seriously, and let that lead me will it may. i don’t think he ever imagined i was capable of getting so thin, however. i know, weird statement, but my father, once told me after a race, “you know, you are good. you could really do well at this if you dropped the weight.” it’s weird i feel like i need his permission to not work for the next 7 -8 months. (of course, define “work…” i will be working just not in your traditional 9 – 5 sense.) i think part of my dad would fully support this professional triathlete thing as long as i am not wasting my time.

i am working way too hard to justify all this (even to myself…on a daily basis).

technically, i am not homeless either. all of my stuff is up with the boys (joe and marcus), i have been living with anne and the family, and i have house keys and rooms in a couple different houses. joe’s is so far away from training and my family and my life and while i could attempt to establish connections north of the city, i hate traffic and people and crazy. life just seems easier on the southside of the “bubble.”

i go to oregon next week for the holidays. oregon is a great place for thinking, problem solving… i am so dreading telling my grandmother that i don’t have a job right now. i am not sure i can make her understand all of the above “rationalization.” in fariness though, i am not sure i understand all of this. i feel like i am just reacting to things at this point. all this life is happening around me…

26.

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December 10th, 2008adminuncategorized

there is far more going on right now than i can handle. i knew it would be like this when i got home from AZ. i put off lists of things until after ironman…including, but not limited to, car maintance, goodwill runs (in an attempt to streamline the amount of crap i own), living situations, general life decision making of any sort, racing season for 09, etc. my current issue is that i feel no more equipped to handle any of these decisions now than i did before i left for AZ. i would prefer to continue to put them off. life is happening around me…

today, i am awesome though. i turn 26. today, i get to be sparkles and a crown and pink! i am really great at today. i excel in social situations…

i would not have made it to today without the amazing group of people i have around me. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world. i have the worlds best friends, hands down, no questions asked. i almost feel bad that we are having a birthday lunch for me. i think it needs to be a thank you lunch for my friends who have bent over backwards to help me. i promised i wouldn’t be late for the 1 o’clock lunch though so i need to run for now, but thank you all, i love you (i know, i know, i love everyone, but no seriously, i mean it. i love you all.).

im az

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November 25th, 2008adminuncategorized

well i can breathe now. wish i could say the same during the race…

what a painful little, heartbreaking sunday afternoon stroll.

it has been such a great trip though, so, so good. it just wasn’t a good race, not the day i hoped for, not the day i trained for…

the swim was an ironman pr…57 minutes, not bad. i tried to push hard on the bike. i wanted to keep my placing. 5:25 is another ironman pr. (though it isn’t good enough. i’ll need to work harder or work smarter, but either way, i need to do more.) i got off the bike and i knew i was hot and tired, but i had used the last 10 miles on the bike to wrap my head around the marathon.
i went through t2, no problems, and started off at a normal pace. i made it about 3 minutes, and was hyperventilating. i couldn’t get oxygen in. i was gasping for air. i walked for a while focused on breathing…in and out…it took me a while to give up all hope. the first 3 miles, i really thought that i may come around. i’d start to jog again every couple minutes, real slow, just trying to control oxygen in take. without fail, i ended in the same gasping, oxygen-less state. the miles went by so slowly. i couldn’t really think too much about what was going on either. i knew it was bad, but if i started to cry then it was the same sensation as running, no oxygen. i was chocking, coughing pretty badly. i told myself if i puked or spit blood then i got to quit, if i passed out, i got to quit…i really didn’t want to keep going. i didn’t train so hard to walk a marathon. i had no idea how i was going to make it through either. i was so mad at everything. tom and sister walked with me towards the end of the first lap for about a mile. tom gave me a pep talk…something about not quitting and he was proud regardless. sister held my hand, told me to walk with arms raised…

(see link: http://www.pbase.com/scorpius/image/106293373 ) we made jokes. our mile helped. i knew i’d make it through the stupid marathon even if i had to walk the whole damn time. i would try to run at least a little bit of each mile. i didn’t quit trying to jog until about mile 10 when my head started pounding so freaking bad. i want to thank everyone for their encouragement along the way. i couldn’t really respond at that time, but it did help to hear that i was the best dressed on the course, or that i looked pretty in pink, the many splish, splashes along the way… i felt so bad, not running, unable to really communicate my thank you’s without coughing. it felt a little bit like a walk of shame…just minus the morning after hair and heels. i made friends along the way. Kirk was gonna quit. he didn’t want his family to have to wait on him while he walked the last 18 miles of the marathon. i told him i had to walk the rest of the way, and that he really should keep going. he did and we walked together for the next hour plus. he got me thinking about pace. he made me speed up my walking. we set a goal of walking 20 minute miles…god phrases i never thought i’d have to say. i had a goal of 20 minute miles… Kirk ran into his family at the end of the second lap and i walked on giving him time to spend with them, thinking he’d catch me. i hope he finished the day. i walked till the end of the 2nd lap and decided it had cooled off enough that i should try to jog again. i’d run as long as i could each mile. i’d start jogging again mostly when people prompted, ‘come on, april, come join us.’ i finished the last mile and a half with kevin. it was the best i had run all day. at one point, i passed by a little boy and he saw my low number and he totally called me out. he questioned, ‘you must have done this pretty well before…’ ‘yeah,’ i told him, ‘but this time i got a glow stick.’ i had never been on an ironman race course after dark. it was quite humbling to walk my 7 hour marathon.

hey, but i am an ironman. mike o’reily told me so, they gave me my medal, and i have the t-shirt to prove it. thank you to all for your love and support. it was a tough, tough day in a much different way than i expected. it’s hard to see everything you worked so hard for crumble right before you. i am excited for Placid and July though. ready to get home and start training again… i am 90% positive i lose my pro card due to my lack of racing in 08 and my beyond sub-par performance on 11.23. i’ll get it back at Placid though and try over again…no worries…just maybe not trying on this race course, the air might be a little dry for me, we will see what the doctor says.

day before the day

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November 22nd, 2008adminuncategorized

we did the swimming, bike, running, and hanging from trees this morning. we got starbucks in between working out and hanging from the trees. the support staff needed sometime to monkey around.

on the walk back towards the car, i told tom, sometimes i think i take too much meaning away from things that occur in life, that may or may not have any real barring or weight. it was just something some homeless guy said. i think at times, it’ll make things too dramatic, but sometimes it makes so much sense and you have to question why that is what this homeless guy said to you at that particular time in your life.

there was a line at starbucks and out of no where homeless guy starts…’i hate to wait. time is precious. the good lord decides when you live for how long. he decides. even when it is suicide. even when someone takes their own life, he decides they were in too much pain.’

we ignored it in the moment, but i addressed it on the walk to the car. i teared up under my sunglasses a little. it is still painful to think about, but i felt it. i accepted the pain and the hurt and i acknowledged the significance in that insignificant exchange. the difference in perspective on this one life changing event has created the “change.” the difference that i dreamed about 9 long weeks ago has made this all possible. i woke up and knew i had to do more. i had to give more because i was capable. i am not running away tomorrow. tomorrow is a good thing. the good is in the difference.

kicked out of the cool kids club.

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November 21st, 2008adminuncategorized

or well the preparing of my race day bags. i was “helping” tom get my things ready to start the packing up process. i was putting things in bags that didn’t yet have numbers…and while it was my race morning bag that will ultimately be handed back to him. it apparently DOES need a number. so the things promptly got dumped out of the bag back onto the floor and placed into their proper spots. i guess all the things do have proper spots. i then crinkled my race number. it wasn’t time for that yet. so tom yelled at me for the first time today.

as a total sidenote, i ruined tom’s 404Z wheel today. he didn’t yell. he didn’t scowl at me. he scowled more about transition bags than the wheel. i knew the wheel hurt. he loves that wheel. we’ve decided we’ll bury part of it. it was a tough loss.

i felt awful most of the day about the wheel. i was riding to the race site and i had a couple choices in the brief tire ruining moment, 1/2 of a curb, traffic, or totally risky side dip, dive move. i chose the 1/2 curb and hoped for the best. the half curb got the best of me or well at least the wheel. i kind of shut down the rest of the day. no more calls or emails because i didn’t want to have to talk about it. all is better though, i have a borrowed 404 for race day, but the great voice mail back up of 2008 has began.

thank god for friends like tom..and for my little sister. (sister cleaned all the floors while i was out at the pro meeting and folded my laundry and wiped down the counter tops, among various other house chores.) i love these guys. we are waiting on pat and madi to get here. it is christmas tonight. they just don’t know yet.
merry christmas, ya’ll.

baggage

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November 19th, 2008adminuncategorized

this whole 50 pound thing is becoming an increasingly large problem. either i need to learn to pack lighter or the airlines really need to rethink weight restrictions. this is killing me. i guess i could pack a smaller bag. it just isn’t fair for ironman though. there is all the stuff for racing and all the stuff for normal everyday life and our little family reunion isn’t helping any either. (ange and i went shopping for madison before she dropped me off here. oh god, we did SO good. it was so much fun!) i know there are a number of “solutions” for my “problem,” but yeah…

i am using part of tuesday to ship a box back home. throw all the nasty, heavy shit into a box, drop it at UPS, and get it on the other side, avoid all my social anxiety involved in overstuffed luggage. the side of my expandable bag says “so much pink stuff, i need a bigger bag.” i emptied 7 pounds of clothes into the lovely “expandable purse” while standing by the scale with the delta employee scowling at me. “my bad,” i am the worst light packer i know.

hey, so i am on my way to do an ironman. okay, pretty pumped. i am feeling pretty good about this, and as anne can attest to, oh god, i am rested! anne and i spent hours laying around the last couple days! i am pretty sure we have watched every trashy tv show and movie this last week. anne just finished kicking cancer’s ass. my support role also involved hours of laying around which fit in well with this whole stupid taper thing. i’ll miss home i hope everything flows okay without me. i at least feel important and busy when i am there.

okay getting on an airplane i get to meet my niece

ange and marcus conversation.

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November 18th, 2008adminuncategorized

ange kaye (sister): ape got new sweats. i think it’s her new look.

marcus (roommate): good for her.

ange kaye: yeah. she looks good in sweats.

aim, thanks for the new look. i look good in pink sweats.

i leave for az tomorrow. wahoo.

my sister looks at her wrist like she has a watch on but she never wears a watch. its pretty funny.

obviously, i am scattered and unfocused. i think that is okay though. i know what i have to do, no need to dwell.

week 9.

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November 16th, 2008adminuncategorized

oh the good times.Â it is quite literally freezing outside and i need to go ride my bike.Â i am delaying the inevitable.Â so one week from today, i will be playing with the big girls in AZ.

i hate taper and i hate resting.Â i have been, but i hate them both.Â i just feel like i am getting fat.Â i guess, this is recovery.Â recovery is stupid.

i have to trust in all the work i just did and all the work coming into this.Â while i may have only been focused for 10 weeks, i have been training since the age of 8.Â i think, it was all leading up to this, i just have to remember what it all was, all leading up to this time period of my life, not necessarily this one day.Â that’s far too much pressure on one day.

i started packing which was fairly easy because it simply involved taking things out of one bag and putting them into the larger suitcase.Â one of the many perks of transitional living, things are always ready to go, that and my new travel toothpaste rocks.

it is almost here.

sunny south central fla.