all of my worst college fears realized (i sincerely used to walk around georgia state campus convinced that i could be one of the many homeless hanging out downtown.  god, i am irrational.), however, things are slightly more stable than i ever would have imagined.

i think i have to explain all this away.  it’s all crazy, but it all makes sense in it’s own right.

the unemployed part will come as a surprise to most.  i’ve told a total of about five people.  it’s just not the holiday news i love running around advertising.  tour de georgia was cancelled for 2009.  one of the major reasons i was hired was for georgia.  my job went good-bye with the race.  i really am okay with it all.  i’ve had the conversation mutlipe times now about how i can’t travel as much as i did this past year and still be a professional triathlete.  i’ve been told things needed to slow down.  i’ve been told flat out, that this job and professional triathlete-ism do not go together.  it’ll all work out in the wash.  in the meantime, i am trying to decide exactly which way is the best to step.  i think for now, staying homeless, unemployed, and in GA is my best bet.  i could move somewhere, get a real job, but i fear the loss of focus that comes along with all that… if i sincerely want to be a professional triathlete why not try to make that work for at least a minute?  i realize it doesn’t seem like the most rational plan, but i know what i am working towards.  i know where i see myself, and i think i am capable of good things.  beyond that, this whole professional triathlete route is by no means the safest, “sure i am living the dream of sorts,” but this is scary as shit!  no retirement plan (like anyone has a retirement plan anymore??!), no health, dental, vision insurance, all the great perks of any pretty little desk job, this life is void of any real stablitiy.  stablity comes in the forms of tempo runs, track sessions, and tough bike rides which my head actually handles the stablity that comes along with the workouts better than the paycheck any day.  i have little work plans that can hopefully keep me afloat until july, maybe longer, if i learn to stay away from the mall…

i have to imagine my fathers reaction to all this… i am really not sure what he would think.  i could see him leaning either way.  i could see him telling me i need to be practical, that i need to grow up, get a real job, take my career seriously, and let that lead me will it may.  i don’t think he ever imagined i was capable of getting so thin, however.  i know, weird statement, but my father, once told me after a race, “you know, you are good.  you could really do well at this if you dropped the weight.”  it’s weird i feel like i need his permission to not work for the next 7 -8 months.  (of course, define “work…”  i will be working just not in your traditional 9 – 5 sense.)  i think part of my dad would fully support this professional triathlete thing as long as i am not wasting my time.

i am working way too hard to justify all this (even to myself…on a daily basis).

technically, i am not homeless either.  all of my stuff is up with the boys (joe and marcus), i have been living with anne and the family, and i have house keys and rooms in a couple different houses.  joe’s is so far away from training and my family and my life and while i could attempt to establish connections north of the city, i hate traffic and people and crazy.  life just seems easier on the southside of the “bubble.”

i go to oregon next week for the holidays.  oregon is a great place for thinking, problem solving… i am so dreading telling my grandmother that i don’t have a job right now.  i am not sure i can make her understand all of the above “rationalization.”  in fariness though, i am not sure i understand all of this.  i feel like i am just reacting to things at this point.  all this life is happening around me…